saw this in a dream
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Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”