I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
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*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
Bartenders are just boneless bars
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.