Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
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All excellent questions
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
Realize this:
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.