Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
You Might Also Like
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?