Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
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An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there