Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
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I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
#math
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102