2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
You Might Also Like
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…