My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
You Might Also Like
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.