Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
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Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
I used to think the key to small talk was always having something to say (difficult) but now I think the key is being genuinely relaxed and putting people at ease (very difficult).
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
You deplete me
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.