Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
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If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
I’m awake but I object,
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen