I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
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5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.