Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
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My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
*pokes sex life with a stick
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
oh my god