Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
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her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.