My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
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Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
Hello, my name is Pierre.
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”