What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
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we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]