It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
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What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate