My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
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I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.