Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
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Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite