*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
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[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”