I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
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I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ