BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
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If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
Hey Fugeddaboutit
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.