[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
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[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
🙂🐾
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?