I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
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5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
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90Me: Nailed it.
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
idk what he going thru but i feel him
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
pat pat
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.