spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
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No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
who named him groot and not spruce lee
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language