Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
You Might Also Like
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.