Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
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At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
Just grow your own
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
boat question
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
shampoo implies shampee
Donating blood today to make room for more food
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
Saturday
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.