When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
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[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
My favorite farside!!
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
no their not
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it