Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
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ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
step 6: release the wall snake
they should invent a hydrating liquor
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.