[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
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One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?