They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
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They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that