I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
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translated into Canadian
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
So many pants.
So little yoga.
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
You know I’m something of a chef myself