I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
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Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it