“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
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Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land