Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
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5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.