gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
You Might Also Like
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
This meal prepping shit easy
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
See..?
.
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…