Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
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[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early