Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
You Might Also Like
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
So sick of all these stupid rules
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
Hank is one in a melon.