Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
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We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
In case you needed to hear it:
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises