Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
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I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
This sounds bad:
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
🙂🐾
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.