See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
You Might Also Like
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
All is fair in drunk and war.
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.