It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
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Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
absolute chaos
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.