Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
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Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost