You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
You Might Also Like
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
My boss just left which means I have finished all of my work for the day.
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.