Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
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“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
Brother?
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.