I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
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me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”