“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
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Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.