THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
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100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
Drugs don’t ruin lives
Drug tests do
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend