Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
You Might Also Like
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
the short answer to this question
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
(Electricians.)
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”