I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
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Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
This made me chuckle cuz mood
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen