being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
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Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…